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June 11: In Stow at Judy’s for my rehab.


June 10: Hey, actually sleeping just a bit better again…and I was able to do just a small stretch of sleeping on my right side - with a selection of pillows bracing my side of course. Down side was that when I got up this morning my chest was really sore, way more sore than the last couple days. I’m wondering if that sleeping on my side the night before may have had something to do with that?

Pretty low-key day actually, as I did my 4-mile “old guy” walk, feeling pretty good, and then just chilled the remainder of the day at Judy’s house, working and napping. Our friends John & Marsita stopped over for a bit, bringing us some great home-made raison and chocolate chip cookies. 

Don’t want to bore you with the hum-drum of my day today. What I can say is that I am definitely noticing my progress darned near on a day to day basis now. I’m feeling like I have more energy, despite my sleep issues, where I can do more and more normal activity throughout the day. I’m still a LONG way off from feeling normal, hell, whatever that is seeing that I was dealing wth a very limited cardiac output for the last year or two! 

It just feels like such an eternity of a waiting game I’m playing right now, in that I’m close to 4 weeks post-surgery with like 2-4 more weeks of this kind of “non” activity ahead of me. My sister told me it would get tougher as I regained my strength and energy, because I’d still be under strict guidelines as to what I would be able to do. I’m getting to that point where I’ll be existing in that grey area now - feeling too good to be so sedentary, yet needing more low-key rehab time in order for all the surgeries to heal properly. Those of you who know me well probably realize how much this particular time is going to be tough on me. I was so used to just being active 24/7 to now doing a total role reversal on that to where I’m inactive nearly 24/7. 

Finally, I have occasion where when I look in the mirror at myself, I kind of do this double-take, and for a slight moment I drift back in my life and wonder how the hell I got here this NOW from where I’d been. I mean the NOW I see is this guy who’s sniffing 60 years old, who has this brand new zipper down his chest and who’s physique has melted down to an alarmingly slim state. And it’s like, “wow is this really me?” I mean how much things can change within the blink of an eye!” It’s not like I’m feeling sorry for myself. No, I’m not experiencing that, nor will I even let myself get remotely close to that. It’s more like a reflection, like I see this super fast forward film of my life flashing in front of me up to where I’m at in the NOW. And the film stops and there I am, looking older, thinner, and frailer than I’ve ever looked and felt in my life. 

There’s no trying to go back and wishing and dreaming otherwise. There’s no beating myself up. There’s no feeling the “why me?” thing. I have none of that going on. I just have the then to the NOW. And it’s weird. I’m trying hard to take the visualization techniques that I always used when I raced and trained, when I saw myself strong, and confident and unbeatable, and I’m trying to use that to add to this scenario that I’m describing - to seeing myself in the past, to seeing myself in the now, to seeing myself in the future. That visualization stuff allows me to project myself into the future where I’ve regained my health, my fitness, my strength and my confidence. This may sound goofy, but It’s my carrot on the stick right NOW, and it will remain that way when I’m given the green light to begin my long climb back up to full health!